Born sinner: I cheated on my boyfriend.

                                              "I was born sinning, but I live better than that"

Word, finally a rap song about being introspective and making a decision to just live better even though life is crazy and has you surrounded by people who will oft times convince you to do stuff you shouldn't....or try to convince you to live your life, according to their plan. It's sinful:  Ellen thinks so too-I love when people just "do them"

Moving on to real life...The woman who was washing the "NSSO's" underwear at her house, kept hitting me up on facebook saying happy birthday and liking my sexy pics (all of my pics are default sexy)...She is all "free", so this probably means she wants to have sex with me, but even if I could get past this betrayal of the "G Code" , as Nene Leakes calls it, I still wouldn't be bothered with her-even if I could rent my worst enemies vagina to do  so...

Fast forward, I entered a new "real relationship", while I was angry about what happened in my previous relationship and still unsure about feelings for the the other person in my new "real relationship". Furthermore, I have had enough bad experiences to have moments where I am like:
 

So getting into a relationship is well, ...a Bad idea!
 But  bad ideas are seductive, so I did it anyway...




My new guy and I had "water under the bridge" and have known each other for quite some time. At one point his ass was taking me to dinner and kissing on me, while stealthy carrying on a relationship with another woman-that I had no idea about. However, I found out confronted him about it and he took care of it and ended that immediately. Yet that didn't stop me from resenting him for doing it...Now, even though "he and me" ,aka "we", weren't an "item" at that time. However, by definition of the term "relationship" -we were.

He bought me stuff, took me on vacations, rubbed my back and intervened when I had dramatic confrontations and conclusions with my mom. You know like this:




                                             


But as far as being intimate with each other, it looked a little something like this:










  Nothing was happening. That was a problem  for me. I need intimacy like air; I am a scorpio...so, I took initiative and did this:<

It didn't work. Finally,when It seemed like nothing would work and things started to

 I was deeply entrenched in this:>

with the next dude, who had a ton of drama of his own. He was older, lived with his mama, and was actually,
unbeknownst to me, in a relationship....That eventually came to a "ghetto head" (which I will discuss in another blog), and I was forced to tell my "boo" all about it. I had to...




So I told him...everything: about how I felt unattractive because of my illness, how his rejection wounded me, how I was never comfortable with him hanging out with so many other women,  how we have never met each others friends, how I cheated on him and everything that , had it been disclosed earlier, would have kept me from being intimate with anyone else whilst in a relationship with him.

Take it back, I don't want it!

 He was not happy, and showed it by driving his car like he was batman in a rush to save the day.... Then he took me to the mall to buy me some expensive ass boots, which seems to be the precursor to him giving me the boot-which is kind of warranted...and expected..Though I don't need him to buy me things, though it is nice when he does, and wanted to just:






Yet, even though I know I am wrong. I miss his ass like Older church people miss the free bus from the sanctuary to Atlantic City. I miss him the way newly converted "cross fit" people miss eating sweets.

So, in true "please baby baby please" fashion, I called and text ed him all day-like a maniac-to no avail. I told him I will "pay like I weigh:dinners, movies, food, etc...Just like he did for me, when he was wrong. I flushed all my pride down the toilet in my "textual communications"- I had to. I even got dirty and said; "but whose going to be a father to Foxi(the rabbit) -if you leave me?"  Yes, I went there...it was bad...


In response, it seemed, He put all of these Instagram pictures up to signify our end, even though he never really signified our beginning that way,  which was also a problem that I never talked about when it mattered. I am kind of regretful that I told him about my indiscretion. It wasn't like he was going to find out. I could have easily ambled along like nothing had happened, but I am glad this happened-because if we ever get it right, I will treat him so much better. Unfortunately, I didn't even realize how much I cared for him until he started ignoring my phone calls.

So, once again it seems that like most people, I never really know what I have until it's gone...and I am relatively young, so if this doesn't resolve, I am sure I can meet someone new and "do it again but better", but I can't suck the impact of the B.S I put him through back and keep it from being an issue for him in future relationships.

Considering I love him, and will always love him-I don't want to have our time together change him for the worse. I am hopeful this experience will humble me in dealing with people who have hurt me in the past;as I am not perfect and in this instance have doled out some hurt to people who didn't deserve it-because like most people I am intrinsically selfish. I need to grow up as Noemi Titarenco said in her blog on modern relationships/ lack there of. I accept the challenge because while we were born sinning, the lesson here is to talk about 'what matters' to the people who matter, before it doesn't matter anymore...

later.